By Philes Davis

THE SEXY DIVA

“Usapute mwana waeni; ulibe kalikonse” (LUCIUS BANDA – TINA)

(Don’t bother hooking a lady if you are broke)

We, ladies are some of the funniest creatures ever existed. It’s very intriguing how we define our soul mates. We’ve some funny, (not as in hahahah, but as in fascinating) taste for whom we date. I wouldn’t trouble my fingers to type some of the factors 21^st century ladies fall for. You and I know it.

As for me, I’m a rare breed. I’m not like this lady next to you, neither I’m I that lady you’ve ever dated before (assuming you are this other dominant sex). I’m one of my own kind. I’m PHILES DAVIS. That’s my species.

To me, whenever my eyes strike into a potential you-know-what, my grey matter is always very quick at making assessments regarding their suitability unto my taste.

It must be borne in mind that PHILES DAVIS is no gold-digger. In fact, PHILES DAVIS is a hard worker and self-independent. PHILES DAVIS begs not, from any lethargic male heads who masquerade theirselves as the Rockefeller type. Nay! You shall never see PHILES DAVIS milking any man. not at all.  

However, PHILES DAVIS would never ever, date a broke guy; even if he could be the last man on the planet, PHILES DAVIS wouldn’t stoop that low as in falling head over heels over a penniless dude.

You see, I PHILES DAVIS, the 21^st century bootylicious type do need more than just a mere six packed stomach. I need more that the brains in your head;… I need to be financially secured. I don’t love money but I love being sustained with money.

No pretense here; we all love money. We all need that disposable cash around us. Me too, love the smell of the fresh Kwacha bank notes.

I’ve so many reasons I wouldn’t date a broke dude. But broke dudes are not part of my vocabulary so I’ll just focus on my area of interest; dudes with ‘mullahs’.  This is why I love them, and would surely fall for them (assuming they also meet my other demands not highlighted here, for obvious reasons of course.)

1. Guys with ‘paper’ know what they want….they’re always ready

Rule number one in the ladies’ planet is commitment and security (from their man). A guy with ‘paper’ is like a US soldier on a front line in Fallujah; ready for any eventuality; pregnancy inclusive.  Call me a dreamer, but I’m not; I’m a realist. A guy with money is ready to undertake any contingency even in the an- unlikely scenarios. I don’t want my wedding dress to be borrowed; I want a wedding dress that I would afford and keep it in my closet and take a look at it whenever I feel like.  I wouldn’t want my wedding money to be borrowed and after we’re done, we’re left with some huge debts to settle. Nuh! Broke guys….to the left…to the left…!

• I’m a lady; I need to be spoiled once in a while

Delicious meals, once in a while, form part of my pastime activity. Growing up in a family that made us eat everything we had ever wanted had instilled in me that insatiable appetite for delicious meals. I don’t wanna end up with a sorry-sight of a lazy boned pinchpenny man who can’t afford my favourite margarita pizza at Grand Palace in Mzuzu or at KFC down town Blantyre. If PHILES DAVIS wants some sharwama, she shouldn’t wait for a decade so as to taste one. Don’t tell her that she has to wait for the next five years when you are gonna be rich enough to afford one. Man, life’s too short to be eating boring food….

I wouldn’t date a broke dude who can’t’ afford to take me to dinner, let alone fail to take me to the lake for a date; all in the name of saving. If you’re broke, PHILES DAVIS ain’t for you! Period!

•  What if I get pregnant???

Don’t think beyond the realms of my argument. However, I’m just being realistic here.  We do agree that sometimes the temptations of enjoying good sex, (when transacted with the rightful client) does get the better of us all…in the end, the inevitable does happen.  Knowledge of each other’s sero status aside, but the joys of doing it with a financially stable guy does offer some comfort knowing that should you fall pregnant, it won’t be hell for both of you. I know for sure that the resulting offspring, with such a dude, could be a blessing as it’s gonna be showered with all the glittering generalities our little (munchkin) would want. Such glories wouldn’t exist when you are in the broke guy’s planet.

•  Dudes with their own cribs make life splendid

Ain’t saying I want a man who has built a house; not at all. I mean a dude who can afford staying alone and footing all his rentals. They should be living in their own apartments. PHILES DAVIS despises mama’s sons type.  No matter the brains, no matter the V shape you can possess, but if you’re still under your mama’s house, you aren’t my type. Hunt for your fellow toddlers.  I wanna feel comfortable visiting you at your house anytime I want.

In addition, I wanna be free to do all the crazy stuff I can whilst under the roof of your house without getting wary of any unwarranted disturbances. Some of us have bad manners; we talk too much, and are so loud when you-know-what, so it would be unwise to be vying for a toddler that is still under parental care. I wanna feel free to leave my G’s at my man’s place and still feel secure I would find them the way I had left them.

• I would never sleep on an empty stomach

Having a rich dude is a gate-pass to your happiness as being a team, you are assured of not being literary empty pocketed.  Being a team, whenever I feel run out of gas in my pockets, I would always know which button to press. This, this feat, is nonexistent in a brokeman’s world.   If karma successfully brings us together, we can be so strong, stronger that the Great China Wall. Impoverished dudes would be a sorry sight to look up to whenever I’m in need, financially, as they too, can’t offer any meaningful assistance. Broke dude, I’m so sorry, hands off me, please!!!!

• I am too materialistic to be dating a financially-deformed boy

No sane lady, of my type, would want to look like Anaphi (a house maid)… everyone wants to look stunning. If designer clothes and a little dosage of Kwachas do transform ugly ladies into overnight beauties, what more with an already gifted-looking hot chick like PHIILES? I need to show the world out there that I’m living in the 21^st century by bending it the 21^st century direction. I need to dress and have gadgets that befit my status on the social ladder.

Men with fat pockets are a gate-pass to my material world. Broke ones….mmmmh! no comment.  

• I love being at home resting and enjoying freedom

Technically, I’m a little bit uncomfortable being pushed to do hardcore household chores. If my dude has cash, I won’t be bothered waking up around 6 AM to do the dishes or clean the house. I will either wake up to make breakfast for him but I will spend the other hours resting; enjoying my future. I would enjoy all the freedom money can buy…..would hire people to do the things that money can do for me unlike stressing myself assuming I make a grave mistake of falling in the hands of the penniless boy; which I wouldn’t of course. !!!!!

……………………….

True, money can’t buy happiness, and it’s also true that in the absence of money, happiness is hard to come by. Let’s not cheat each other here; money and happiness are best buddies. Prove me wrong!