“Man’s reputation is like a shadow. Usually, the shadow is bigger than the man himself”

-Unknown

It’s obvious that society is misunderstanding Mr. Bitchless Mambo.  For this reason, Mr. Bitchless finds it pertinent that his profile should be retold. It is important that he should clear up the mist that is distorting his identity and intentions. He hopes that, by reading today’s post, his audience and fatsos will get to know and understand his personality better. Without wasting more lines, here is Mr. Bitchless’ backstory:

35 years ago, on a cold-rainy Monday night at Chidzumulu Island, a weakling baby boy was born with an unusual defect. Unlike that disgusting Salima baby, this boy’s essential physical features were all intact and had no strange features on his skin. However, his nut sack was empty.

Distraught with birthing a baby with an empty ball sack, the mother named the baby Bitchless. When asked the story behind the baby’s unconventional name, the mother explained that her initial glimpse on the baby’s tender-yet-empty nut sack inspired her to give the baby that horrendous name. Apparently, the baby’s empty nut sack convinced her that her baby boy was destined for a life of bitchlessness. Prophesy.

The entire Island community was stunned to see the baby’s father, Mr. Mambo Senior, approve this unconventional name without a drop of hesitation. Like most of his contemporary baby daddies on Chidzumulu Island, Mambo Snr, didn’t give two fucks about his son’s first name.

 A year later, overwhelmed with public scorn for giving birth to a boy with handicapped balls, Mambo Snr decided to abandon his baby mama by emigrating to East Africa on the pretext of seeking a greener pasture. Surely, Mambo Snr was a loving father.

 Currently, based on cryptic letters that he sends, albeit intermittently, Mambo Snr is incarcerated at the notorious Gitarama prison in Rwanda. In one of his letters to the son that he proudly abandoned, Mambo Snr insinuated that he got convicted of atrocities that he committed during the 1994 skirmishes that preceded General Paul Kagame’s rise to power. Apparently, Mambo Snr, who was illiterate at the time, signed up unknowingly to intern for the Interahamwe where, haunted by the internal ignominy of abandoning his boy and helpless babymother, he proved to be an effective agent at hacking defenseless Tutsis and Hutu moderates.

 Anyway, following her baby daddy’s departure, Mr. Bitchless’s mother, who was as illiterate as her incarcerated baby father, had to break a sweat to make ends meet. As a single mother in a highly misogynistic and stratified society, Mr. Bitchless’ mother had to wax steamy men’s candles to earn her meal. Perfecting her skill along the way, she waxed at Paris in Mzuzu, Devil Street in Lilongwe, and Kachere in Blantyre – to name a few.

The struggle that she went through while in the waxing industry and the fear of birthing another baby with handicapped testicles convinced her never to produce more children. This resolution, in a grand scheme, eliminated Mr. Bitchless’ chance of having siblings. Today, Mr. Bitchless can only fantasize what it feels like to laugh and crack a cold beer with ones sibling.  

Having traded her forbidden apple on every lucrative Malawian street, Mr. Bitchless’ mother is an expatriate harlot in Zobue, Mozambique. His efforts to take his mother off the street have all ended up in complete futility. Apparently, the mother is adamant that the streets is all she has known since her baby daddy’s departure and therefore she cannot see herself making it off the streets.

 Growing up with his prostitute mama on the streets, Mr. Bitchless had no option but to socialize with his promiscuous mother’s workmates and the ragamuffins they produced in a dog eats dog environment. Life was no easy, but young Bitchless had to learn to fend for himself. To make the best out of nasty situations. With his father’s absence during the formative, a young Bitchless was forced to seek solace in role models that helped shape his personality. Of course his slutty grandmother, who he referenced here, also played an influential role in inculcating an objective sense of analyzing humanity. Not to mention that the grandma gave him an education. Lucky Bitchless.

The moral of the story is that an individual’s background is usually overrated. Birthed and raised by confused parents (parent, to be precise), Mr. Bitchless grew up in a messed up environment but came out fine. He managed to overcome the disadvantages that life threw at him by charging at his challenges ferociously. Instead of internalizing the marginalized status that society labeled him, Mr. Bitchless embraced his situation and sought out ways to earn his piece of cake. He did not turn to mythological creatures nor the government for assistance.

Today, instead of begging for coupons from the government and leeching on society, Mr. Bitchless counts among millions of responsible citizens that pay taxes to keep our public institutions functioning. If only every Malawian had a drop of such impeccable grit. But, since he pays taxes diligently, Mr. Bitchless feels at liberty to take a swipe at everyone in the country. No one is safe.

Anyway, a lot of things have changed since that fateful cold-rainy Monday night at Chidzumulu Island but the prophesy that was foretold that night still stands. Though his nuts normalized at a later age, Mr. Bitchless is still haunted by the bitchlessness spell that his mother casted on his tender head. We can only hope that he will shake it off soon.