“Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them”

-James Baldwin

Like any other human being, Mr. Bitchless came into this world as innocent as a blank disc. However, society and the circumstances of life thought it wise to install the toxic crap that oozes from his mind. In addition to society and circumstances, Mr. Bitchless’ mind has also been influenced by an elite list of 5 characters that he’s revered dearly. Seeing that his immediate society and life circumstances had denied him inspiration, a young Mr. Bitchless found solace in this carefully selected list of 5 characters. With time, these 5 heroes taught him what to treasure and how to survive in this effeminated world. Basically, these individuals, none of whom he has met, are his role models. Without wasting time, let us delve directly into these individuals and see why Mr. Bitchless idolizes them:

1. Richard Banda SC

What’s not to like about this astute gentleman? Lots of contemporary dudes in the streets claim to possess an eagle’s view. Desperate to prove their cases, they adopt ridiculous nicknames that reference the eagle’s extraordinary eyesight or brand themselves with equally daft eagle tattoos.

But in reality, they are all talk. Richard is the only Malawian man who has proved that he really has an eagle’s eyesight. Analyze his life trajectory and you’ll see what Mr. Bitchless is talking about. The manner through which Mr. Banda rose on the social ladder is simply impeccable. Born in stupid Zambia [because their U17 team may have traumatized our young boys]. Richard began as an indecisive Malawian athlete who swung between track & field and football. Guided by his exceptional visionary abilities, however, he dumped track & field and concentrated on football to the point that he captained the Flames. Very few Malawian men who have had aspirations of pursuing a football career can boast to have actually turned pro and worn the armband for our senior national side.

In addition to captaining the Flames, Richard has achieved bigger heights such as heading the Football Association of Malawi, serving as the Chief Justice in Malawi and Swaziland, and most importantly, Richard has managed to accomplish one unique feat that a number of influential men such as Atcheya and Yahya Jammeh have failed to accomplish – bossing a country through the back door. Need I mention that Richard is the only male Malawian who has ever shagged a serving president? FACT! In short, Mr. Bitchless reveres Richard for embodying the “kuiwonela patali” concept. If he was a snake, Richard would have been a Puff Adder.

• Emmanuel Macron

In 2007, a weird wedding happened somewhere in France. Those that attended this wedding could not fathom what was happening in front of them. Here was a wealthy 29 year old groom with a seemingly bright future ahead of him committing to a decision that left everybody asking “what the fuck is he high on?” They could not get around why a childless young man with the ability to tie down any beautiful young female he could think of would opt for a menopause pussycat. But, determined, the young groom stuck to his decision and married his beloved aged creature…. I mean, his beloved former teacher. A decade later, while sleeping and shitting in the Elysee Palace, the young groom would profess that the aged cretin’s unconditional support ushered him all the way to France’s presidency! Mr. Bitchless can think of a lot of men who have reneged on their choices because the world did not approve. Quitters. For this reason, Mr. Bitchless looks up to Emmanuel Macron for his determinism and commitment.

• Prophet Hosea

Once again, Mr. Bitchless is not religious and boldly thinks that all religious stories are fictitious. However, as his hypothetical prayer suggested, Mr. Bitchless is fascinated by the Bible. One group of characters that receives considerable attention in the Bible are the many prophets [Funny that none of these prophets transmitted sexually their “prophethood” to the broads they were shagging]. In total, the Bible is ridden with a fleet of prophets who stand out for different attributes and manifested various virtues such as Jeremiah, Hezekiah, and Ezekiel.

Many as these prophets are, Mr. Bitchless is impressed by Prophet Hosea who, strange enough, most preachers prefer to sweep under the rag. Why do preachers shun him? Mr. Bitchless doesn’t know. But here is brief backstory on Hosea. Commanded by the good Lord, Hosea asked out, dated, loved, and then married a professional slut. To prove his affection, he bore 3 children with her. Apparently, despite his wife’s addiction to whoring, Hosea still loved her unconditionally and fulfilled the Lord’s creepy plan. Anyway, Mr. Bitchless has high regards for Prophet Hosea because he is a character that really manifested the wishful unconditional love concept that contemporary couples yearn but can never find.

• King Solomon

Another fictitious character (particularly, the details of him), King Solomon is a man who did not let society sway him from man’s biological purpose and impulses. See, in a population of species, each individual’s purpose is to ensure the continuity, through multiplication and protection, of his kind.

And across most animal kingdoms, given their higher fecundity, male individuals accomplish the multiplication task by spreading their seed through copulating with as many females as possible. It is a natural design that most animal species abide by. However, brainwashed by the toxic part of feminism, humans decided to go against nature by imposing monogamy on their kind. Since then, most men have lived miserable lives fighting the urge to sample another broad. That most of them digress from this made-up monogamy concept is obvious.

Mr. Bitchless admires Solomon because he is a character that tossed a big middle finger to society’s monogamy propaganda by marrying 700 wives and acquiring himself 300 concubines. Who would not want to shag a different pussycat every single day of a year? Definitely not Mr. Bitchless.

• King Mswati III

King Solomon might have managed to get away with it because he lived in an era when feminism and the inflated fear of STDs were almost nonexistent. With 26% of people aged between 15 and 49 believed to be living positively, Swaziland holds the world’s scariest HIV prevalence. At the same time, the global feminists have never relented on tarnishing the elegant Umhlanga life style. With these two forces, most men would have yielded and conformed. But not King Mswati III. Every year, he continues to summon multitude of virgins in his kingdom to parade topless for him and his equally perverted guests and do with them as he pleases. Mr. Bitchless idolizes King Mswati III because he is one man who goes to bed knowing that he has a new pussycat to look up to every year. What a living legend!

There you have it. What comes out of Mr. Bitchless is a product of an amalgamation of ideas and beliefs from society, circumstances of life, and these 5 heroes. Until next week.