“Do unto others as they do unto you”

-Anton Szandor LaVey

Raised in a nasty environment and, so far, denied the chance to spend his pathetic life with a smart and gorgeous broad on a long-term basis, Mr. Bitchless has always resorted to art as a convenient distraction that allows him to get a necessary respite from his never-ending bitchlessness. It is through art that Mr. Bitchless finds a semblance of completeness that has been alluding him given his inability to find a broad worth marrying.

Talking about art, Mr. Bitchless has always had a strong fondness for unique music, movies, and literature. These three forms of art have been an ideal panacea of Mr. Bitchless’ frustration from his monotonous struggle.

About movies, having ingested a shitload of Hollywood production from a tender age, Mr. Bitchless once attempted to diversify his movie consumption by sampling productions from other countries. Luckily or unluckily, this attempt happened at a time when Mr. Bitchless was seeing a hardcore Panafrican girl who, like most of her contemporary young ladies then, watched African movies [read: Nollywood] only. As you may recall, for most bad bitches then, from 2001 – 2007ish, Nollywood was the shit. Thus, to soothe his girl, Mr. Bitchless zeroed in on devouring Nollywood movies.

 Unfortunately, as far as African productions are concerned, good movies come far and between. Dominated by Nollywood, the majority of African movies are simply pathetic and not worth watching two times (assuming that you have the required level of patience and resilience to watch a particular shitty movie in its entirety).

Much as the Nollywood industry has been credited for bringing out African stories on the international map and for inspiring other African countries to venture in the movie industry, Mr. Bitchless was appalled by the quality of production and cliché storylines in the majority of the Nollywood movies that he saw. As such, though the will was there initially, Mr. Bitchless’ switch to Nollywood was temporary. To the chagrin of his panafricanist girl, Mr. Bitchless had no choice but to resume consuming Hollywood crap – a move that prompted her to terminate the relationship. Poor Bitchless Mambo.

But how has Nollywood affected the Malawi daily life? After conducting a hasty analysis, Mr. Bitchless has some answers. His ideas are as follows:

1. The Proliferation of Pentecostal churches and flamboyant Pastors (Prophet, Preacher, Prophetess…whatever the fuck they call themselves)

Before Nollywood came to prominence in Malawi, Christianity was mainly dominated by mainstream denominations such as the Catholic Church, the CCAP, Anglican, and the Seventh Day Adventist. If one choose to be different, Rastafarianism (yes, Malawian Rasta’s are Christians!), the Assemblies of God, and Apostolic were the unpopular denominations one would flirt with. This is as far as it would go. The emergence of Nollywood, however, annihilated these boundaries. All of a sudden, drawing inspiration from stupid storylines about speaking in tongues and other equally weird manifestations of “holiness” that Nollywood movies portrayed, Pentecostal churches sprouted all over the country.

Having perverted the nuances of Christianity, Nollywood influenced the rise of uncannily named denomination such as: Redeemed Last Days blah blah, Church of Holiness blah blah, and Temple of Holy Fire blah blah. Funnily, this type of Christian denominations are led by flamboyant prophets, with their sexually transmitted prophetesses, who prioritize prosperity gospel and tithe. Coincidentally, the majority of the clientele for these Pentecostal churches are the same girls that used to binge on Nollywood films in the early 2000s. Nothing surprising here.

• Cement the Belief in Satanism, Witchcraft, and Ghosts.

Obviously, Malawians have always been superstitious. However, the arrival of Nollywood movies on the Malawian market accelerated the level of superstition in the country to unprecedented levels. With movies such as Billionaires Club and Karachika, gullible Malawians were convinced that Satanism and ghosts are real. Perniciously, Nollywood movies perpetrated the idea that agents of evil are rich people, fashionable divas, old people, music stars, and unruly kids. To Mr. Bitchless, this shows that Nollywood solidified ageism, child abuse, violence against women, and jealousy against the rich among naive Malawians.

• Spread Annoying West African Slang and Bitchy Talkativeness

Mr. Bitchless does not mean to claim that the West African slang in itself is annoying. Rather, like any other slang out there, when adopted – albeit forcibly – by people from other cultures, the West African slang becomes cringe-worthy. Mr. Bitchless recalls how his Panafricanist ex-girl loved to moan “oga oga abominationoooh!” in an effort to supplement excitement when shagging. It was a horrible experience. Like any horny guy with an objective to get action, however, Mr. Bitchless never complained about this particular antic for fear that the girl might construe that he is trying to modify her personality. Another facet in which Nollywood ruined Malawi is by altering Malawians’ perception of talkativeness and bitchy facial expressions. See, in the few Nollywood movies that Mr. Bitchless watched, 90% of the actors are super-talkative and always have instantaneous bursts of angriness. As time went by, by consuming more and more of Nollywood movies, Malawians [read, girls] insidiously began to adopt these annoying mannerisms and amplified them to their peers.

There are many other ways in which Nollywood has influenced life in Malawi. And, no, Nollywood has not brought negative influences only. Positives are also there. But given space limitation and given his large endowment of pessimism, Mr. Bitchless found it wise to focus on the three influences above. Otherwise, given space, Mr. Bitchless would have encapsulated other influences like: the spread of shapeless houses surrounded by enormous fences with petrifying gates, the production of cheap movies that lamentably regurgitate the same storylines that Nollywood has been telling, and the adoption of West African fashion style as a Malawian dress code.